I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
