Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
