chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
