Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
