Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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