theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
