Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
how does that bad decision feel?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
