woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
