I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
