i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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