I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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