break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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