good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
