he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize