arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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