So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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