Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
