I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
