I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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