When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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