just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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