Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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