Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
