well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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