Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
