I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
