yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
