I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Randomize
