Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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