Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize