i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
