I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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