good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
