Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
