I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
