miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
