I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
