dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
