Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
