I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
