Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
