I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize