Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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