Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
