i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
