Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
