she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
