Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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