I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
