y did u give ur computer a hand job?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
