Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
