So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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