She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
