On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize