Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
