there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
