I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
