I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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