How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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