I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
